The Weight of Things

Today is yet another weigh in day. I lost 1 stinking pound. I know in the spirit of things I should be happy with any weight loss at all... especially since I had Steak and Shake and McDonalds last week. It's just disconcerting. I am an impatient person by nature so the fact that it's taking more than a few weeks to lose all the weight drives me crazy. I will get there by summer so I can play the milf part in a hot little bikini.

Weigh In Day

I figure since I'm being a wimp about going to meetings I am going to tell all of the Internet and the 3 readers I have exactly where I am in my diet. This should motivate me since I'm still mortified at the current condition of my body. So here it is:

When I joined Weight Watchers I weighed in at 135 lbs., more than I have ever weighed sans baby in belly ever. I hit the scale this morning at 128 lbs. I have to date lost 7 lbs. if you can't figure math out. My goal is 120 lbs., which is still a considerable amount more than the 110 I weighed before baby. I could have fared better had there not been the whole Steelers Super Bowl thing and a quite serious bout with PMS.

I am seriously struggling with a disagreeable muffin top and a wardrobe that only fits, sort of, before I ingest any sustenance for the day. My tits sag from nursing (yes, I am aware Weight Watchers can not help that) and my ass and thighs are dimply. Ick!

There you have it. Now I am going to go spend another hour playing hula hoop and yoga on my Wii Fit. I need a good weight loss this week to make up for the suckiness of the upcoming holiday.

Just Life

Life has an interesting way or never being boring. Sometimes, I could use a little dullness. Excitement can be good when it's positive but I find that it so often is not. It's also much easier to remember the bad moments as they leave such a large footprint.

This morning I found out that my uncle has prostate cancer. I asked my father, who seems to inevitably be the bearer of bad news, what course of treatment he thought my uncle would take. His answer was none. I asked how long he thought he had. He didn't have anything to say on that.

My uncle and I are not very close. We tend to fundamentally disagree on almost all the big topics... religion, politics (especially politics) and so on and so forth. That aside, I don't want to see him suffer. I hate knowing that when he's gone my cousin, though in all rights a mature adult at 41, is going to be alone. He has never not had a parent around.

My aunt died a little over 3 years ago of cervical cancer. She chose, as well, to take no manner of medical interaction. She died within 4 months of being diagnosed. I fear the same is imminent with him. It's just such a sad and torturous way to go. I wouldn't wish that fate upon anyone.

I just lost my mother in law to cancer a few months back. She did opt for aggressive treatments to no avail. I miss her terribly. I think about her often and wonder how she was so brave when I know she was in pain. I miss my aunt too. She seemed to know the answer to anything domestic. Who needed the internet to find out how to get dust off of fake flowers when you had Aunt Paula? I know that we're all born to die but the reality of that even at very ripe ages is still saddening. We should all be so lucky as to just pass easily in our sleep. But, I guess part of the human experience is the suffering and humility it leaves behind.

Weight Watchers Progress

I decided that it was time to take control of my fatness and get rid of what seemed to be an endless weight gain. I had talked to my doctor about what could be causing the 22 lb. weight gain in a year. He suggested Weight Watchers and I honestly was hurt. I thought, "Oh shit, I really am fat. It wasn't all in my head.".

So, I thought about it for months and didn't want to spend the money. Then when I ordered a pair of super cute jeans in a size I literally could have fit two of me in pre-baby and I couldn't zip them... well...

I am entering my third week and have lost 3 lbs. I lost 2.5 the first week and was pretty pleased with myself. And this past week I only lost a 1/2 lb. Stupid Steelers party at work! A few of the women I work with are doing it as well. They're all saying how great a 1/2 lb. is and I can't stop the eye rolling. I guess it's good that I'm losing, I just know how much more I have to go. Twelve pounds to be exact and that's only to get to a weight I'll be satisfied with. It's overwhelming when I think of it that way.

I opted to do the program online because a)I don't have free time for meetings and b) I like the anonymity factor. I am not much for the whole sharing feelings about food or whatever with room full of people. I think I would cry and then I'd feel like an ass.

But, 3 lbs. 12 more and I can consider a bathing suit again this summer. Elizabeth will be stoked!

New Year, New Me

First, I have actually been using my Wii Fit. And f*** it for saying my Wii fit age is 37. Bastards. Second, I joined Weight Watchers. I desperately need to get my weight in check before I bust the scale. Third, reading Dooce just makes me want to have another baby. Too bad I'm minus the necessary dude to get the job done.

And to those who know and love me... today is the official three year anniversary of you know what. Honestly, what does a girl have to do around here!?

Puke Fest 2008

So, we survived puke fest here this weekend. Anyone who has a little kid that doesn't understand the concept of the puke bucket knows exactly how much laundry I did this weekend.

It wasn't pretty but Elizabeth and I made it through. I think we're going to take an extra sick day tomorrow just to recover from all the puking, pooping, cuddling and sleeping we did. Amazing how much that can wear you out. But, really odd that this just reminds me how much I adore my daughter. She just clung to me and if I went to another room with out carrying her with me, I'd hear, "Moommmmy... ? Where are you?". Followed shortly thereafter by her attaching herself to my leg and proclaiming that she needed to be held and "I luf you Mommy". I luf her too.

anonymity at it's best

I'm going to come straight out with some minor confessions. I am desperately lonely being a single mother. I don't know how to "loosen up". I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper in to some kind weird almost depression. I don't know how to have a life aside from being a mother. I want to move back to DC. I hate where I live. I wish I'd never gotten married. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I'd never gotten married, moved back to my hometown, allienated everyone I know, had a baby, found out that an Art History/ English Literature degree is useless in Pittsburgh, and so on.

I'm just feeling very whiny and wondering for the first time in a long time who exactly I am. I'm definitely not who I used to be. I'm not sure I like the person that I used to be or at least the person that people thought I was. I hate knowing the way I've been percieved. I hate knowing that my ex husband tells all the people in his life that it was my fault. I hate that I'm not a better mother. I hate that I'm alone. I hate that I will probably be alone forever because I don't know what I want. I only know what I don't want.

It's all very frustrating and I find myself biting back tears at the most inopportune moments. I'm struggling here and I don't have anyone to talk to. No one that I know understands. They try and I appreciate it but they just can't. I feel like I'm losing control and I can't think of a thing to do to stop it.