Obviously, the dissolution of my marriage and all the changes that have come with motherhood change my perspective quite a bit. Some days I have no regrets. I don't necessarily believe in regrets. Things happen, we learn from them and then we move on... however, grudgingly that might be. Other days, like today I'm filled with regrets of the past and reservations about the future.
Here I am, almost 29, about to be divorced, a mother and someone desperately in need of a real personal life. It's just that I don't really have time to forge friendships. That sounds so lazy and depressing. What I wish is that I had the friends I worked so hard on before I moved back here to lean on. Sure, I can call them or email or text them when I've had a really bad day. It's not the same as having had the same said bad day and having your friend drag you out for queso and margaritas (which, in case you were wondering, always cheers me up). Only a good friend would care enough to force tequila down your throat in desperate situations.
I've made new friends in my old hometown. Most of my friends are "work" friends. I'm not insinuating that makes them any less valuable as friends. I've made some awesome friends though jobs (ok, one job and one friend but still). I just haven't made any friends that I can really confide in and count on (the last one is key).
My old local friends are different. Not better or worse, just different and somehow that doesn't work anymore. Somewhere along the line those friendships broke and no one bothered to fix them or even notice they needed to be fixed. So, here I am, wishing I had a friend to swing by and do something stupid like watch chic flicks with or paint our toenails or whatever else girls are supposed to do with their friends. By the way, if you're a perv... girls really don't take off their clothes and have pillow fights or shower together or something pervy when they hang out. Sorry. Just thought I'd clarify.
I'm sitting here regretting my marriage and the past 3 years of my life. It took so much out of my life. He took so much away from me. I suppose I let that happen. I'm not necessarily angry at the ex for that. More so, I'm pissed at myself for having let myself fall in to such a bad relationship. I can't change my past bad decisions. Besides, I have the most beautiful baby in the world (ah, see you thought yours was... ? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but mine is.). I wouldn't have Elizabeth without having gone down the path that I did. So, for her, it was worth it.
I just don't know how to move on. I'm not still attached but I don't know how to have my own life. I don't know how to put myself out there. It's not even just friends... I can't even bear to think about anything more! Let's be honest, I'd love to know that I'll at least have the opportunity to be intimate with someone again before my daughter goes off to college. How do other people do this? I know I'm not the only single mother in the world. I feel like other people make it look easier and seamless. Whatever they're doing, I'd like to know.
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2 comments:
I am convinced that when other people look like they know what they're doing that really they're faking it. We're all just faking like we know what we're doing, meanwhile putting one foot in front of the other and crossing our fingers. It's kind of scary when I think about it, so I try not to think about it.
Regarding making friends - I'm finding it hard at this age/stage of life. I have work friends but there's always that work line that must not be crossed. I have some social friends, but no one that gets any closer than arm's length. I miss my college friends, the tequila pouring underwear shopping type.
Perfectly said Sarah. I don't think anyone knows what they are doing in this world. Some people are better at faking it than others.
Know that you are loved. Know that you are missed. I know it's hard and I know it's lonely. But know that you WILL get through this. You'll look back and laugh one day when you and your "Fabio" are riding off into the sunset with Libby attached to your back.
You have a great haircut and a beautiful baby. What else do you need? ;)
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